Dude, don't freak out but the girl who stuck the hair brush in her ass is here. I can't look her in the eye!!
but i am gonna have to have sex w/ him again to get my earrings back
If I had a nickel for every time somebody called me a bad person I would have enough money to check into rehab
I just got an email from a bridal website with the subject "Countdown to your Wedding Day"... is 11AM too early to drink the rest of the wine we have?
dont you remember the bouncer yelling at you while you were trying to piss?
no. why was the bouncer in the bathroom?
he wasn't. neither were you.
He kept saying 'your mouth is Amazing' even after I was on his dick.
Yeah, but there's no serving sizes for dick.
This ER has an aquarium in it!!!
She seems less like a roommate, and more like a homeless person who snuck into your apartment.
He just sent me the contact information about getting the Zebra for graduation...
you got in a fight with your imaginary friend last night when he didn't catch you after a surprise trust fall
I think everyone at the office can tell I'm dehydrated
you mean still drunk
I've heard it both ways
I mean, what's the polite way to say, "sorry but I can't date you cuz I'm sleeping with your boss" ??
she just sent our roommates a message asking them for a parakeet. are you gonna call later?
You do realize last night you asked me if shampoo had an expiration date then cried for 15 mins when I told you it did
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