Like all of my pajamas are shirts of guys I shacked with in college
i miss you and i wish you were peeing between my legs right now. in a platonic way
i said send nudes i get bra and panties. thats not what i fucking asked for.
i was hoping the water fountain would somehow shoot out vodka this morning
He gave me an orgasm with his left hand...and he's right handed. Of course he's a keeper.
I don't know where my bra went.
Welll you ran into the street, took it off and yelled "I'm a free woman!". And then you threw it at some homeless guy.
I bought a 9 dollar purse from payless so if I throw up in it tomorrow, no biggie.
thanks for leaving the note with the doctor's recommendations for my lip, they are dissolvable stitches right?
Of course he did. He is like the oprah winfrey for vaginas. Always giving that shit away.
How many people can say they've shit on the floor of a five star hotel?
I cried at the bouncer while saying I wished he was my father... They had no idea what to do with me.
That freshman guy that keeps trying to hook up with me just saved someone's life ... Should I reconsider?
stoners and superglue do NOT mix
Remember how we use to say "this will be the year I'll get my shit together!" And like we stopped doing that because we know that isn't happening anytime soon.
I forgot to bring soap and all I could find here was body wash. It's like bathing with laundry detergent.
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