You took all of my sister's dolls and threw them out the window and then you started talking to her etcha sketch and mr. potato head. I later found you passed out in front of Toy Story and it all made sense.
her cat was choking so she kept trying to stick her finger in her cat's mouth while saying "it's okay kitty, just do what mommy does"
I mean, there was frosting being put on a tunafish sandwich. Pretty sure she knew we were high.
girl I've been sleeping with this summer as per her request just gave me a carton of cigs to thank me for my "hospitality". this is good.
I'm sorry the first time we hungout you had to witness me throw up in the ocean then army crawl to shore.
You'd think somebody who rolls blunts like jesus himself could roll a god damn burrito
She had a cast on when I met her, but she blamed me for breaking her arm this morning. I'm gonna marry this girl.
be warned: you might find a baby hampster in my bra
Oh god I want to come home! They have an air raid siren here that alerts their neighbours across the desert it's time to come over on atvs and drink.
He added his name to my To Do list. That's the way to my Type A heart.
He got too drunk... he threw up ON the closed toilet.
It's a Jersey thing
yeah, i'm probably gonna die. still gonna be totally worth it tho
Dude I'm drinking alone and watching cartoons. How is it that someone as hot as me is doing this.
Can I make sure all my sluttiness goes to you when I die? You're the only person I know who'll make use of it
My drunk is wearing off and im starting to feel like this dolphin tattoo was a bad idea.
Randomize
