Herpes is a lot like Arnold Schwartzenneger. Because it always comes back. Also, because it is usually in some way in control of California.
There's some strange man with hair that keeps talking to us. I'm scared.
This is how horror movies start. Going to bar with strange hair guy. He's paying. Bad idea?
Ditched hair man. Got free cab ride to market. Want food. I win.
he pointed at my clit and asked with a confused face, 'whats this thingy??"
I told them I was gay and asked them to pass the pie. I ruined pumpkin pie for grandpa.
where did this taco bell managers name tag come from ?
Our halfway to Halloween party needs to never happen again. There were waaayy too many wasted cartoon characters passed out in my living room this morning...
Just wanna let u know that we are almost on the pity blow job level of our friendship.
Do you think I can wear the dress I went to jail in with the shoes I went to prom in to the wedding tonight?
I snorted a few ambien and woke up here. A lady banged on our door, waking us up, demanding our towels.
Oh my goodness please please please my inner slut needs some pampering, shes getting rusty and nothings worse than a rusty slut
I think mark twain said that originally
A 74 year old man offered to let me sleep on his pull out couch last night.
If I had a dollar for every straight boy that questioned their sexuality because of me, I would live a comfortable middle-class life.
I'm in public and Taylor Swift is playing. It is taking all my effort to not screech like a goat.
Eating an avocado like an apple while doing shots of fireball and watching finding nemo. I need to get my shit together.
My Mini-Van Handjob Milf is leaving the company. I need to find a new job. I can’t handle this place without those handjobs
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