YEA!!! I'll throw you a non-baby shower.
fucking a dude
i mean: fucking a, dude
wow, that comma made all the difference there
i just hate vaginas for liking penis's insside them
omg i forgot michael madsen was in free willy this is the most epic movement of my stoned life
Sorry I didn't wanna double team his sister. Having whiskey dick and watching you get laid didn't sound appealing
I'm at breakfast at my kid's school and I have noted at least 3 other parents with last night's red wine mouth and bleary eyes. I don't know why I always get so paranoid.
The best way to start drinking is as early as possible. eg, this bar isn't open but we're patiently waiting outside. That way you're confident and exciting when the talent arrives. Or too drunk to care.
I woke up on the toilet with my feet gorilla glued to the floor, cake and makeup on my face and my hand glued to my head.
Welcome to the world of vodka. Rule #1: NEVER PASS OUT. Happy 21st
wtf... you literally introduced yourself as "that friend who's going to fuck all your other friends."
I hope you know that means regardless of their gender.
According to the boxer briefs I found on the couch when I got home, I take it your date went well??
You got this. You survived the RA last semester (granted you almost got arrested but still.)
i swear to god it was like we were fucking in 9 dimensions
We got kicked out of yet another strip club because your mom wanted to "show these kiddies how it's done"
I remember being like "I can't hold both of you guy's hair back!" so I put headbands on each of you
There's a hole in our hallway wall. Don't hate me. I'll fix it. It's only about the size of a beach ball. I promise to never scale walls in our apartment ever again. Don't hate me. I love you.
Randomize
