Porn is love you can see.
I went from sexy to sloppy in a matter of minutes
how can you tell if its a queef or a fart from that close?
Ummmm yeah ..,.. All three girlfriends I have right now are chatting with each other at the party...... I'll see you on the other side
I want a vodka facial right about now. I'm talking about straight vodka bukkake
I think I'm just going to up-end a bottle of wine and look through pictures of what my life used to be.
Between my sister puke and rallying at the bar and my brother sending a drunk passed out naked pic in which his dick was exposed, I don't know which sibling to be more proud of this weekend.
He texts me "what are you wearing" in the middle of the workday, so naturally I assume he's kidding and respond "the blood of my enemies" #foreveralone
I'm 2 beers deep on an empty stomach, and I just wanna say, I pride myself on my use of commas
So what did you do since you didn't go out?
...ate chocolate and watched bring it on....it's like I don't even know what it would look like to be straight.
Our drunk hook up was interrupted by the delivery guy. When he came back to my room we ate the gyros and went back to sex like we didn't take a lunch break.
I knew you were cut off when you tried to order a "Phil Collins"
I was so drunk at your wedding that Uber is now showing up in my Spotify recent searches.
I told him I wanted to fuck him and he hasn't texted me back in 4 days...am I missing something
I was actually kind of excited. I mean, how many people can say they've been question by the CIA?
Randomize
