anal on a first date. tsk tsk.
community service is like the breakfast club... except we're all the criminal.
Dipping chips in queso and thinking of your beautiful face
I just offered a homeless man a meal from McDonald's, and he replied "I don't eat McDonald's food". That is the epitome of "begger's can't be choosers."
my dentist asked me why my tooth was chipped, i told him i couldn't remember. i think he understands.
He said he forgot to take his shoes off, and that he was a bad boy because he was walking on the carpet. Then he sang. Then he shouted "I'M STILL FORGETTING."
So I vaguely remember making out with you this morning, I think you were on a date?
What's that word that means bigger and smaller and bigger and smaller, again?
Goddamn it, Jaime, it's 4am. Throbbing. The word is throbbing.
It's not even 8 pm, or Saint Patrick's Day, and Kevin is drunk on my roof humping the air
All you need is a handful of lube and an open mind
I told my dad that he was in a band and he was all like " good job" and then he looked up the band and listened to their music and just went " oh have you disappointed me"
Thanks for duct tapping my dick to my leg while I was passed out. I could only aim straight down. I stood on your bed. Have a nice day at work!
His 89 y/o father walked in on us. Judging by the gasp/moan, I don't think the 1920s prepared him to see another dude inside his son.
Getting a lap dance from a girl you went to high school with really isn't as awkward as you'd think
And she called me out by name, nothing could have made it more awkward but it ended up not being that bad
he went down on me and a few minutes later he asked to show me a magic trick. then he pulled a quarter out of my vagina
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