or how I got to mom's but there is vomit on my shoes. I never thought i'd be recapping with her.
I don't know which is a more impressive stolen object. The couch from a sheer logistical viewpoint, or the parking meter because i'm pretty sure that's a federal offence.
on the list of things i learned today that are not stripper poles: ex-boyfriends, table legs, and police officers.
Cause I came home. Im covered in green marker and jack daniels. Theres a taco and the words "we went to Mexico" on my wrist. Im a walking abomination.
Feeling better?
I can stand long enough to do the dishes finally. Been trying that all day.
I remember nothing except the fact it happened and I ate doritos and we highfived a lot
His penis has been a bonding mechanism beyond comparison.
Good. Need a drinking partner later. FOR AMERICA!!!
I love you, but it's "shark week" I'll make it up to you with naked breakfast.
Yeah I mean once a gun is being waved around, its probably a good time to leave the party
But the music was sooo good
I can't wash the smell of tacos off my hands. I feel like the Lady Macbeth of Chipotle.
I had a sex with someone last night and I was so drunk. i told him to tell me his whole name so I can say it back to him in a "sexy" way.... Because I forgot it
Went up to some dude that hit on Laura and told him he has a voice like a grandma. Apparently didnt have muscles or kindness like grandma so can you pick me up at the ER please?
While strippers were eating ones out of my boobs, several sources claimed trump shared classified info with the russians. We should get hammered on Mondays more often, bitch.
So on a scale of 1-10 how mad would you be if I sent you a picture from the inside of a strip club
Randomize
