So I'm going back to my apartment just to get my vibrator.
I thought you were moving in with your boyfriend for the summer?
Well....one will keep me from having to pay rent and the other satisfies. I'll let you figure it out.
This hotel is not contributing to my sobriety, they have 4 kinds of free wine and beer.
she's laying in my bed with an ice pack on her vagina. how do you think it went?
she is legit wearing a plastic bag around her neck as a necklace. she says it serves two purposes.
Well my ankle is fucked up, everytime it pops I have a reminder of $200. Jager bomb night and the day we began to rebuild our friendship.
I'm sorry, you might have to start setting aside some time in your day for my pussy.
Nothing better than going to Mass on Easter Sunday with "I love penis" henna tattooed across your back. Love your Indian culture.
It was like, once I started flashing you, I couldn't stop.
I've seen you go skiing on a Tuesday, but you think you're too good for TGI Friday's?
Imagine how different my life would be if I could find a man who gave me more pleasure than pizza at 2am when I'm drunk.
That wasn't even sex. That was a fuckoning
...did you just create a word for what we did?
So, I just ordered a breathalyzer for this weekend. I figured if I'm getting shitfaced, I should at least be scientific about it.
kind of bad when u call a cop an asshole for driving you home from the bar
He casually compared computer science to childbirth and I was like "hey, as someone who has wanted to fuck you for six months now, could you please never talk about childbirth ever again"
I finally selected an outfit that says "I'm not easy" but still shows off the tittays.
Randomize
