I hope I don't blackout because this is awesome!
I am paying my roommate as much of the electric bill in pennies as possible because I hate her.
Birthday Coupon: This text is good for alteast 3 hours of Birthday Sex. Redeamable any time, anywhere, and any style.
announcing that you were the mayor of bjtown got their attention.
The highlight of your blackout was when you drunk showered with the garden hose and emailed your boss your vacation requests for the next year.
But seriously, I hug most of my drug dealers.
My biggest accomplishment thus far this summer is having sex 5 weeks after hip surgery.
As my straight cousin I need you to answer a question. Are the Astros a baseball team, and if so, are they good? This is flirting related and time-sensitive.
The only person I have to bring is crazy hospital guy
HE'S NOT INVITED!!!
I wish you looked at me the way you looked at my brothers penis
You introduced yourself and she said "wow that's a long name" and you went "yeah well you should see my dick."
My Uber driver last night was driving a taxi and tried to charge me fare.
You didn't get in your Uber because your ex was driving, that was a legitimate taxi.
Do you remember coming over and asking for toast and then singing that yeah toast song very loudly while you were dropping my bread all over my kitchen?
If he flies out here I will sleep with him. I have morals, but not when it comes to southern accents
I'm like a great zombie Jesus.
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