What do you call a girl with PMS and GPS?
A crazy bitch that WILL find your ass!
The worst part is I think my tongue cut his penis and now he wont talk to me.
Omg. In the pub, there's a guy shouting at the olympic channel 'yeah! Kill that motherfucker!' we're watching figure skating.
Dude. I tried to convince her to eat poprocks and give me a blowjob. It did not work out well.
then he pulled down his pants, and i just stared for about a minute..... i was so confused. i didnt know my cat could have a bigger penis than an 18 year old man.
There are lots of gay asians. This is better than i was expecting
I got Green Bay stickers to put on my nipples. This way when I flash it will look like I did it out of spirit as opposed to drunkenness
How can he have such a manly penis and baby hands?!
I fell asleep on the table at Denny's. Told the waitress to wake me up when my burger was there.
Did you know there's no emoticon to really tell you that I just consumed a magic brownie?
I just melted my phone trying to make cookies. I think that's a sign.
I am seriously thinking about wearing a blanket as a cape. So when I pass out tonight the blanket might keep me warm.
Turns out the bartender I fucked is the bar owner. WHY THE FUCK DO I PAY FOR HALF MY DRINKS? IS SEX NOT TIP ENOUGH?
He stopped in the middle of us fucking so he could turn on lithuanian techno music. And the sad thing is that it was the best sex of my life.
The brides mom put a 6 year old in charge of me to make sure I don’t get too drunk before the wedding
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