go do what you do best...puke behind churches
everytime i listen to a chris brown song and like it i feel like i bad person
so they are in my phone as twin 1 and twin 2. but i forget which is which. did i put them in order of who I hooked up with first, or who is sexier? cause i'm not trying to text the one with the girlfriend
1st off, theyre identical. 2ndly, have i ever told you that youre a huge slut? hope that helps
i woke up convinced that my room was backwards i tried to go into the closet to get outta my room
Tomorrow morning i will black in to find a christmas tree in my room that i dont remember how i got. I love college
What can I say? When alcohol is my motivation, I can move mountains.
He also informed us that it's rude to shove your tit in someone's mouth. Happy Monday.
Dave used his AAA card to get my car towed to my house so I could get drunk. Evil genius.
It's like god made him fantastic at oral to make up for what his mouth does the rest of the time.
DONT LET HIM GET NAKED. JUST SAY NO
Just got 20% off at the liquor store. How you ask? I asked if there was an "I got divorced today" discount.
I may or may not have just hot boxed a backhoe on the construction site of a police station that's being rebuilt..
he stole a smokey from the street meat vendor and put it in his pocket when she wasn't looking and now we're drinking avocado margaritas
You said you couldn't use your body anymore so you made me push the buttons on your phone while you made alien sound effects
He smells like sex and magic. I’m already naming our children
Maybe you should talk to him first
Randomize
