when I woke up she was standing in the living room with a bottle of scotch because she is "allergic to hangovers"
I should hang a sign above my bed that says "get hard or go home."�
I just wanna be craddled in his arms and spoon fed applesauce..
that's the most romantic thing you've ever said.
You are the alcoholic guardian angel of raccoons
Russell brand is gross. Everytime I see him I just wanna give him a bath. He's like a used condom.
I think I'm still drunk...I just gave my empty conditioner bottle a break-up speech before I threw it away.
Sorry about the picture of wills balls via snapchat last night btw
Not to mention I think lunch is a little inappropriate when our relationship is only based on Mario kart and alcohol so far...
I just found a voice recording from Tanya's bachelorette party when we found you drunk in downtown being harassed by a crazy dude dressed like a clown and we rescued you. Attached is a voice recording of me interviewing you after we found you. I titled it Carlos Batman.
Yeah we invited her back for chicken nugget sandwiches
O was like, nah, fuck 50-50. My version of bi is that i'm 80% gay, 20% drug-addled decisions. Apparently he's straight on hallucinogens.
At one point I was counting his nipple hairs to calm myself down.
Her tits are so fantastic they gave him a panic attack.
I think you know you’ve caught feelings when you’re asking a tinder boy his opinion about your current fuck buddy.
you have 10 seconds to explain why the toilet is full of bread or its ALL GOING ON YOUR BED.
Randomize
