overheard a conversation between 2 lesbians: 'back when I used to have dick sex...' oh, vegas, I so heart you
I'm so high I just tried to eat a hair tie thinking it was one of my pretzels.
found out the liquor store price matches. thus begins senior year of college
i knew you were okay when you wanted to eat in the ambulance
Asking the cop for directions wearing a lion mask may not have been my best moment...
You just met him on Thursday, and you've already nicknamed him Golden Penis?
I found my phone outside under the leaves by the curb. What the fuck did I do last night
Just met another girl you fucked but this time in seattle. Your cock gets almost as much mileage as jet blue. Anaheim and seattle both say hi, figured you don't remember their names.
I would not be 19 again if you paid me. Guess who found naked pictures of themselves? Fuck cocaine
I say go for the trifecta and maybe you'll get a medal or something. Or a baby. That's like the same thing right?
Can we make a pact that if we're 40 and still sluts that aren't married we can get civil unioned the fuck up and raise an asian baby as our own?
I received a text promising me sex if I drove to Memphis this weekend. Too bad for my penis that we're watching zombie movies and playing cards.
So in my DUI class I had to write down 3 people I'd call if I needed to talk and why...they all want to meet you now...
Also, full disclose I puked in a fruit barrel box
Hey. You got pizza and sex. How much more can you ask for?
Randomize
