i've been throwing up a lot lately. my guess is hangover but who knows morning sickness is always an option
Only if you bring Listerine. I can't come home to my husband from a bachelorette party with spermbreath again.
i mean i should have known that when i started taking shots with my zumba instructor i was in for a rough night...
Come on. I'll make you hot pockets. Literally and sexually.
A woman on my train just walked down the carriage in a wedding dress, crying and clutching a can of Carlsberg. Oh...
If she's steering anything, it's a religious boat of crazy. Destination: Iceberg.
Mr. Clingalot just ran from our apartment. What the hell?
I started to cry afterward and mumble random things. Examples: "God, please don't make me be so gay anymore" and "my mom is going to be so proud of me for fucking a dude this time." It was that or let him stay the night and cuddle. I mean, fuck that horrible shit I'm a girl that needs her space.
I feel like I grabbed someones dick last night, & if I didn't I'll be disappointed in myself
Well just watched a guy puke in a trash can then proceed to pick pizza outta said trash can and eat it
I just had a fifteen minute conversation with a Raccoon by the garbage bin. I was feeding it chex mix.
You told me that they girl who was giving you a handjob under the table looked a little like your sister
Your mission, should you decide to accept it, is to pick up rum, beer, and cigarettes. Your holiday will self-destruct if you ignore this message.
Umm... When he walked in I shot him with my confetti gun... It's a wonder my booty calls even show up.
Looks like a sea otter shaved my vagina. Keep an eye out for me this weekend, no one can see this.
Some guy is here to get laser hair removal on his balls. I hate my job.
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