Just saw an old lady trip and stumble. Laughed. Kept Driving. I'm going to hell.
Is being a pregnant whore worse than an average one?
I sent him a pic of my tits.. All he said was, "oh your sun burn"
I want you to come here and listen to her climax and then tell me how funny you think it is.
There's a stripper banging on the door demanding to see you.
She was trying to fuck the exchange student from France. His English is really bad and the music was loud so she just pointed to a beer bottle and then her vagina.
This is a rough morning for me
No, rough is puking in your froyo cup next to a five year old and her grandma.
Grandma can hear your bong from the living room, please be more quiet. Love mom.
Well I just found the most comfortable way to pass out on my toilet if I ever have to.
Its a good thing to know for upcoming events.
...Just this whole adulting thing gets in the way of mermaid drag shows at lesbian bars.
Last night at a party someone grabbed my ass so I just fucking punched them in the face then went home and ate a frozen pizza
In all the years we have had drunk sex, have we ever done it in a bed?
Can I come over and use your shower? My roommate got drunk last night and took my bathroom door off its hinges
I just puked on a sprinkler…Motherfucker tried to spray me
God help them if any millennials are in the vicinity. Rent is too high and we no longer fear death
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