what i wouldnt give for a night at orourkes without seeing 3+people ive slept with
Just got a orange juice for my grandma, put gin in it without thinking. She's having a good morning.
I just scratched behind my ear and found icing. Fuck you.
HE COULDN'T FIND IT! WHAT KIND OF QUARTERBACK CAN'T FIND IT?!
Some guy is walking around the bar with his dick out. Health code violation?
Unless you consider jello shots food the answer is no there is no dinner here. When u get food get more wine too tired of you coming over drinking all my booze and destroying my vagina
I'll be gone when you wake up but you hit a girl so I knocked you out. Never hit a girl. Unless it's with your penis.
I'm pretty sure I just discovered what the American Dream is said the person eating a hotdog for breakfast in bed in her underwear
i think i need to institute a "if your dick has been in my mouth this year i get a xmas present" policy
So "I hate myself Mondays" has extended to Tuesday this week. I just had peanut butter and a glass of wine for lunch.
You rubbed a frozen pizza in my face. The concerning part was that it was semi cooked from our body heat
There is a car windscreen wiper in my handbag... Not my car's, not ok.
I'm taking the day off so I can get drunk at Whole Foods before noon
I love how encouraging you are, but I need you to stop me when the guy I'm going home with is a dead ringer for Nick Cage.
Last night you dunked donut holes in spinach dip, ate it, threw up, and continued eating. I cant keep up with your drunk eating skills.
I was wondering where the donuts went.
Randomize
