just heard the best thing ever: calling people's kids "fuck trophies"
Oh my god. Just had sex with this girl on the boardroom table at my work at midnight (win!) just realized I left the condom wrapper on the table (lose!)
And then you gave the bride a high five and said "Go forth and Consummate."
And I'm PMSing. So if I'm not crying, I'm masturbating.
Waking and baking has revolutionized how i brush my teeth. Seriously up to like 25 min everry morn. Highly recommend
I maybe just had sex outside in broad daylight. At a state park. Please be proud.
And when he pulled me off the bathroom floor, he just looked at the cat litter stuck to my chin and said "oh sweetie" and shook his head. I think my dad's officially given up hope.
We left live chickens on the basement slip n slide. Good luck finding your car keys
I can't wait for the 4th. I'll probably get drunk and end up puking all over whichever 18 year old I end up making out with.
im at work. we just had a random 14-year-old amish girl come in and gift us with cinnamon rolls as thanks for letting her use the bathroom. i dont even know.
Why is it that when I sustain a serious injury people are more concerned with my level of inebriation than my personal safety?
I'm just trying my hardest not to get addicted to drugs or pregnant and all your other friends are out there getting married
Why were there just 3 inflatable bounce houses delivered to my house?
oh shit.
I haven't felt more like a college student than when I woke up this morning naked with my sociology textbook in front of me and my bong in my left hand.
The only good thing about 2020 is that the hot flight attendant neighbors are using my pool a lot. If i can keep them from wandering into my Zoom meeting with my boss I’m golden
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