god i wish i could take a shit and a shower at the same time
end the night at a gay bar...not sure how...but why the fuck do i have two condoms in my pocket?
so my mom just told me that she wouldnt pick me up and take us to taco bell at 3AM...
got woken up at 7:30 by a drunk girl asking me where she was... apparently she slept on my futon
she was in a cheetah costume
Every grown women needs to pee herself once in her life. It builds character.
anyone who texts me today gets a complimentary picture of my mangled foot. starting with you.
ewwwww wtf when you left last night you were fine?
He is more interested in finding his sweater than he is in having sex with me. It better be a great fucking sweater.
I'm drunk doing an ab workout. I can only hope I make it to bed tonight.
I found a hot kiwi last time and sucked his dick. That's what rooftop bars are made for.
I mean, I'm not upset that HE's getting married, I'm upset his penis has to go through with it by default
Its like the floor is slow but life is fast?
I see you found the nyquil...
Why did u text me "I want to get drunk and go to pizza hut tomorrow. don't let me forget." at 3am??
That text was pretty fucking self-explanatory, man.
I just got baptized.
Drunkenly skinny dipping in a indoor hotel pool is not okay and does not count as a baptism.
The amount of illegal things I've done this weekend is astounding.
Dude my cat is eating sugar cookies with me. No joke. My cat likes cookies.
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