I even made an effort to dress like a conservative young lady who doesnt black out and throw up in her bed regularly today.
I woke up to find her cooking breakfast wearing nothing but my Nuggets jersey. I don't think this could end better.
Good news.. I found out what I did Saturday night. Bad news... I found out what I did Saturday night.
Make sure your heart doesn't explode. These are words of wisdom.
Well im sitting on a futon on a porch at 1:30 in the afternoon drinking boxed wine out of a pint glass next to a chick with a homemade neckbrace. What do you think?
That girl from the bar sent me a text saying that she wants to wear my cock as a hat. A cock hat. Is that good or bad?
I've slept in a different bed every day this week. Operation Ho Ho Ho is a success!
I made people serenade her before talking to her and went on a condom run. If I'm going to be in the friend zone, I'm going to be its fucking king.
Mike passed out early so we kept filling his mouth with redi-whip and letting the dog lick it out, but he started getting hives so we stopped.
Yeah I mean subtle isn't how I'd describe your flirtation strategy last night
Would it be wrong to text my ex and say "congratulations on the new baby that you had with a stripper"?
I just woke up on my neighbors floor with my boots on, but no pants. I have 3 separate taco bell receipts in my pocket.
I can't wait to get home and drunk cuddle your dog
This town is a penis wasteland. I haven't seen a suitable penis in months. This is becoming an emergency situation. I need penis in my life
It took 5 bourbons for him to handcuff and spank me and then he cried after sex. The men that like me are so unstable.
Randomize
