don't go home with that guy from jersey
i know, not worth the blood test
I just saw a hobo shake a payphone until it spat out a bunch of quarters. what a champ.
I swiped a lunchable and a gatorade from my one night stand's fridge, does it count as a date now since a meal was included?
oh my god its dad's weekend for the sororities i can't wait to throw up in front of all these parents
A girl pulled up next to me at a stoplight just now, looked around for a second, and then changed her top, bra and all, before the light turned green. New. Hero.
I was asking the bouncer, "if I fall will you catch me?" which then turned into "if I jump off the roof will you catch me?" He said no.
Sorry about that whole "setting your deck on fire" thing.
He was so drunk he was throwing the bowling balls into other lanes on purpose. He still beat my high score thought.
The front desk girl just had that condescending welcome-home-from-your-walk-of-shame face on
It was probably because you set your bra on the couter while you found your ID...
I have better things to do with my life than be faithful.
Thank you. Next to bondage, soft American Apparel t-shirts are the best things you've taught me about.
Nothing like having your house arrest ankle bracelet vibrate and take a moisture sample at the exact moment you're about to blow it in some chick...buzzkill
okay we need to get tested.
no YOU need to get tested. I'm just going along for the ride.
He was late, on account of he accidentally went to the Al-Anon meeting across the hall, and it took him 30 minutes to realize he was in the wrong room.
He played with my nipples while singing "How great thou art"
Randomize
