pop tarts are not kleenex
She tried to wake me up by touching my dick. I kept pretending to be asleep.
I noticed how good my hair still looked. Apparently rum and coke in it helps it stay curly thru sex. May be using this more often.
Woke up with his dick on the side of my face, it's like he passed out mid-mushroom stamp.
He said in a slur "I go so hard, even when I..." and cut himself off by projectile vomiting all over the ice luge.
It's end St Patricks day. I'm gonna need a leash. And a bib. And a rain check on anything considered dignifying.
I told him he was a man of science and that he should conduct experiments on my tits to see how they stay up. I need you to hold onto my larynx when I'm drunk.
Just made a drunk dude do 20 push-ups. In the parking lot of the bar tonight for a keystone light I found in the back of my truck.
Oh yum
It was like an ecstasy filled massage for my vagina.
That's the best compliment I have ever received.
Woke up backwards on a recliner
Hooked up with a guy that looked like Dean Thomas. Mediocre at best, but I stopped myself from calling him Dean in bed. So I got that going for me.
So here's a tip: don't give a blowjob the same morning you're going to the dentist. Cuz they will think you have "mouth trauma."
We're so high we're eating flavored lube.
I wish I had a tail.
Why?
...why not?
I'm hungover from the 8pm vodka and still drunk from the 5am beer.
Randomize
