If the Four Horseman of the Apocalypse gang banged each other and had a kid, it would look like the creature I woke up next to this morning.
This is awkward. You have a four minute voicemail from me. I would delete it. I accidently hit your number on speed dial and called you while I was vomiting a mai tai.
i just unintentionally masturbated to my own facebook picture
at a bar and heard one girl tell another her tampon string was showing she goes i dont want it in anymore anyways. then proceeds to pull out her tampon in the middle of the bar and leave it on a plate. ewwww
just as he was about to cum he started shouting "I THINK I CAN! I THINK I CAN!" over and over again.
Hurry up and get here. I already announced to the bar that you were on a mission to get laid tonight. I have 3 takers.
I wish! That ended in 2001 when we all got collectively band from the Settle Inn. As a group we are also band from social events at the zoo. It's impressive really.
He stood me up and then his cat died. I feel like this is Gods way of saying he's on my side, even after the tequila fiasco.
We were basically fucking on the dance floor. People kept buying us drinks. It really only encouraged us.
It is super hard to find a good vegan dominatrix! THAT'S why I'm single
I'm almost too old to be on The Real World but feel like I'm too young to be on The Bachelor and I'm just really confused with my place in life.
We both fell asleep mid-handjob and he continued to call it "handjob halftime".
Please tell me you did not shit your Disney princess costume.
I don't know how a coffee date turned into road head. But hey
We had sex to Hey Arnold, Rugrats, and All That. I feel like my life has come full circle.
Randomize
