just bought miller high life, hungry man dinners, and a bottle of lube. you win life, you win.
Hungover. Be in at noonish. Turn my monitor on and put a hot cup of coffee on my desk so the boss thinks I'm in
A 14 year old with a teardrop tattoo just tried to sell me weed. I'm in the wrong fucking neighborhood.
i decided to cut a 3rd hole in to my snuggie so i could masturbate all the time.. all time low? or genius?
I found her under my bed eating airplane pretzels.
he kept saying "mind over matter" as he fucked me
i mean, i stole her boyfriend and beat her snake score on facebook within 48 hours. not her week.
Who invented hangovers? And why did I make out with him and eat an entire can of chilli mixed with hot fries while screaming "YOU ONLY GRADUATE ONCE" last night?
I hope you realize that its not me making that decision, but rather the combination of my genitals and sexual orientation
You threw up on his face 22 hours ago and now he's here holding your hand. I think he likes you.
I know you've been in hospital with meningitis, but last night I walked into a streetlight and bruised my penis so who's really suffering here
Hahahahahha. You saved a homeless man. You're actually the mother Teresa of skanks.
I'm only texting you this bc god forbid circumstances change when you wake up but currently santa is asleep on top of the washer and dryer.
Why is there bacon in the couch?
My son's girlfriend just thanked me for having good penis genes.
Randomize
