Omg. If Ina Garten Makes roast chicken one more time im going to strangle her with her white button down
I am going to invent a chocolate mix for sperm.
Somehow I got food poisoning AND alcohol poisoning in the same night. Its like everything I love is trying to kill me. I'm waiting for my tv to make its move.
So, I'm playing the Doctor Who drinking game with my dogs, but they don't understand quite when to drink. Still counts as successful, though, right?
This is a rough morning for me
No, rough is puking in your froyo cup next to a five year old and her grandma.
Can you imagine how doomed are children are? I mean for one they have our genetics and then we will ruin them as parents. It will be the most magical adventure. Let's not start soon, too many adventures at hand that involve immense amounts of alcohol.
For once I am not in the mood. My vagina is good with life at the moment.
The apocalypse has arrived.
She said, I've heard about you, from girls you wouldn't even be interested in. What?
Too bad pet owners lack respect for my training in ancient Buddhist and holistic rehab therapies.
I'm not sure the Buddhist consider pot brownies holistic rehab therapy
"Accidentally" bump into him after class.
I'm gonna "accidentally" put his dick in my mouth.
Jeff brought me a cup of coffee to my desk. He's getting a blow job.
I'm 4,715,723% sure I don't give a fuck.
WELL I DIDNT KNOW IT WAS POSSIBLE TO COME SO HARD YOU HAVE AN ASTHMA ATTACK BUT HERE I AM
I don’t know if I’m nauseous or just disgusted with myself.
Well, I ruined his toilet and he's still completely okay with me. Plus, it took him like a week to tell me.
If a girl I didn't love ruined my toilet I don't think I'd stick around.
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