Tell her to GTFO!!!!! JAI HO!!!!!
i'm unexpectedly in a limo, eating poutine. the driver just offered me coke. good idea?
I just got a ticket for the snow penis we made in our front yard.
what is the most politically correct way to ask if he still hangs out with the guy that has blue hair and make meth in his car?
He came in my eye, I lost my earring and all of his friends saw me topless. Happy New Year to you as well.
I woke up and found 10 txts from him. All sent at 6:30 am, and all about the muffin man.
at this point every shot is just a haymaker to my liver
Ive waited a long time for a girl with prescriptions like yours.
............HELP Ive been abducted by vodka and its poisoning my brain fat chicks are getting cute and i slept with my sisters friend who slightly resembles john kerry....,,help
my brother has friends over and I can hear one of them screaming from the basement "BREATHE. FILL YOUR LUNGS. LIVE YOUR LIFE." and it sounds like he's doing some motivational speaking down there but that's actually just how he encourages ppl to take bong hits
guess who got crunk and thought it would be a good idea to give herself a pixie cut?
THOUGHT
Found sauce from last night's pizza rolls wedged under my phone case... While sitting in my 8 am class. What happened last night?
He suffocated between her tits, but she didn't notice because he still came.
my alarm on my phone broke at the bar sooo i had to sleep with someone so i'd wake up on time for work.
You were only speaking with either thumbs up, thumbs down, or high fives haha
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