Never drink rum straight from the bottle, even if people say it'll make you a pirate. It won't: it'll make you a bumbling shitfaced idiot who just drank rum straight from the bottle.
things that need to be invented #43: vodka that also acts as birth control.
you took a scissor and started screaming "I WANNA KNOW WHAT ITS LIKE TO BE BALD"
i love how i spend my mornings exploring my phone to see what i did last night.
What kind of flower means "I want to have unprotected sex with you, preferably from behind?" because thats the message I'd really like to send on Valentines Day
Does my status still say I suck cocks? I don't know how to change it
If I started a story with "That three-year-old totally deserved it," would you listen?
We are two peas in an std pod
Atty had lunch with DA and confirmed I am not the target of the investigation. No word on anything else
Just finished two pages in like 20-30 mins bitches SHWAMP DRUNK LIBRARY SHWAMP
Ugh he's so pretty though. He bit my face at the bar because I tried to steal his ID and I forgave him
somebody went from crying while watching Full House, to a full on emotional raging bull...I love this time of the month
Yes, ur purse got stole with our condo keys in it but my slut ass saved us and we had a place to stay, AND I got to choke a motherfucker while riding him. Thats taking one for the team.
i solemnly vow to never stick my penis into crazy again
I give it a week.
Man I can't believe I took a huge dump in a public garden
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