I cannot find my penis.
Correction, I've been on a lot of dates and a lot of dicks
Is it too weird if im a sexy tampon for halloween?
I was actually high enough at that point that I was just casually following your glowing footsteps like in Avatar while we ran from the cops.
Is waterboarding an exceptable way of getting sober?
Tonight will bring shame to my future grandchildren.
just got home. some guy on my porch is tryin to show me his balls. no more parties at my apartment.
All I remember is waking up with 3 penises pointed at my face. I also remember enjoying that a lot. And then I threw up in their shower.
I went in to wake you up this morning and you had a condom draped across your throat like a necklace. There were no boys in the house last night, what were you doing?
Thanks for the morning blowjob. Scientifically proven you can't have a bad day if it starts with a blowjob.
Also I'm sorry for asking you to shave my vagina for me last night
I can't believe I forgot to wish you a happy 13 week-iversary of the time you raw-dogged a rando. Only two days late, so it still counts. And since your 14 weeks is coming up, you should know that at 14 weeks your baby can squint, frown, grimace, pee, and possibly suck his/her/their/zir thumb!
All I remember is while we were making out M.A.A.D City came on so I pushed him off of me so I could rap along.
We went camping and met these lesbians and now I have S'mores where there shouldn't be S'mores.
He can sense you did cocaine and had park sex with a large ginger from Australia last night.
Randomize
