I feel like I've been hit by a train. I woke up this morning covered in wine, free condoms, and a sign language dictionary.
theyre doing DJ Khaled impressions again...
We did nothing beneficial to ourselves, or our country last night.
Hey, ok if I kidnap you? I wanna test a theory.
ok. i'm ready for you to come back and test the structural integrity of this futon.
The dorm caught on fire so it turned into a 5am pool party
you're usually drunk when you offer. there's one time you called me, told me not to dye my hair red, and asked if i wanted to see your tits.
I think cutting a patient out of a owl costume is a first for those guys. It's a good story at least.
Cause I'll toss Tabasco sauce in his eyes and yell "Cobra attack" and walk away
Is it sad that I planned a a romantic trip to dunkin donuts for and with myself on Saturday, then added an equally romantic after midnight stroll through the half off candy sale? I find that worthy of adding a few cats to my collection agree?
This hangover is what we deserve after that level of debauchery.
I threw up in a wendys bag in her car. when i went to throw it out the window it exploded all over me. No I don't think there will be a second date.
Omg cinnamon bun Oreos. Thanks weed
walked into my room this morning clutching two empty bottles of sminoff to find my roommate's ultra conservative parents staring at my posters of naked men. fuck parents weekend.
Theres about 23 grilled cheese sandwiches stuck to my ceiling and tomato soup all over the kitchen. You are never allowed over again. Ever.
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