I got so drunk I pissed the bed last night. He still likes me. He's a keeper
He is a keeper. You on the other hand are not.
I work with a guy that has a strong spanish accent. He just said "I have a plethora of ..." and I busted out into laughter b4 he finished his sentence b/c it reminded me of 3 amigos.
i screwed him while his gf was puking in the shower. 2011 is looking up already
What did I eat last night that was bloody?
They said an hour before I even see a doctor...and they noticed the shots tally on my arm.
i need to start using my dry humping skills. i was dry humping champion in 7th grade
Blow job bear ended up in my bed last night. She didn't live up to her costume.
My mom slipped a condom in my pocket along with a sticky note that said "be safe sweetie."
It's end St Patricks day. I'm gonna need a leash. And a bib. And a rain check on anything considered dignifying.
You were so drunk you decided to go out of the car window instead of using the door, once you realized what you had just done you said fuck it and went back in through the window
Would it be crossing a line if I told him that I now know his girlfriend has a huge mole on her left ass cheek?
He is such a generous lover, I can look past the fact his name is fucking Bob.
Hey guys.. So I accidentally broke the front door last night
Rough birthday weekend. Eating McDonalds in the shower and used a fifth of sky as a pillow last night
The strippers who live across the street set up a decently professional stage on their front balcony and a banner for a go fund me... I think we're gonna get a show.
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