There was an extended period of my adolescent life where my friends and I would get high, drive around in my minivan listening exclusively to the wu tang clan, and intentionally crash into snowbanks
I have started doing my homework in bars. It just feels right.
Miserable. My projectile vomit just woke me up from a 5.5 hour nap.
I was so scared, I actually heard my grandmother's voice in my head saying if I get pregnant, then my vagina will fall off. And then I'm going to die.
He just kept petting my ear and informing me that I wasn't one of the guys
We sat on the porch laughing about hilarious the sunrise was. And that we can do drugs again in the morning, thank god
it's like getting dryhumped by a chainsaw in the very best possible way
I just farted a soft, gentle fart and it made me think of the eye puff glaucoma test at the eye dr. I hope that's not fart air they use for those. And yes, I'm texting you from the toilet and yes again, I'm high.
YES. YOU ARE GOING TO HAVE SEX WITH ME WHILE I SING LES MIS.
I won't let penises inside me if you won't let tequila inside you, deal?
I gave him a BJ and he left. Coincidentally that's the name of my memoir.
First Peyton Manning retires, and now the most interesting man in the world is retiring for Dos Equis. This is the worst week of my fucking life.
It was a recodring of you having sex ! It was like an ape and a dying mongoose at a buffet Xoxoxo
I'm not drinking for the rest of the week. I need discipline, celery, dick, and a bible.
Also I like oatmeal more than sex.
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