im gay
i know
yea but for you.
my grandma just informed me that patrick swayze used to babysit my dads cousins why wasn't i informed of this early...like when i was obsessed with dirty dancing!
I'm pissed I'm finding this out at 24 bc i could have used this material to make friends
your all-time low pick up line was when you asked a girl "Are you rock-staring at me?"
Guess who's still drunk but on time to court to represent a DUI?
You are my hero
Anyways, i'm off to play with a rubber dick and a ouija board with two other girls...
You picked me up and threw me on a barstool and shoved shots in front of me.
Thats like the definition of a good friend
Starting the weekend with a pair of pants on which the zipper wont stay up. Is this a sign of things to come??
Was she always missing a tooth or am I just now noticing it?
Send me a pic of your kids to remind me why I have morals.
Yeah I don't remember how I got home last night
Judging from my pants, I embarrassed myself smh
I hate how much more visible my vomit is on snow, I need a winter vomit bush
I know I come to this conclusion on a fairly regular basis but I really do need a babysitter
He's gonna be like you slept with too many of my friends and you're being voted off the island haha
I also farted in bed this morning and said, "I don't even care. My body deserves that."
I would literally only have sex with a dinosaur right now.
Randomize
