I told a kindergarten student that candy canes are bones of reject elves.
Dude if I didn't piss myself last night I dont think I would have woke up in time for work.
It was good I woke up with my mattress on top of me. I walked around naked the whole night as people wished my Happy Birthday.
Alright, who started the "how long till dereck gets deported from Australia" pool? I want in on that.
You know he really cares when he gives you one of those on-the-go toothbrushes for your walk of shame before running to work
I was on my way last night when some asshole yelled "make better life choices" out the window of his car. I felt so self conscious I went home.
My mom asked me if I ever go on dates. I had to suppress the urge to ask if having casual sex with a freshmen counts as dating
I was just tryna bring you beer girl. I should've known you'd be shirtless though
don't judge my taste in strippers
I think we have it figured out.. She's my wife when she's here and gives me advise on how to get ass when she's 1500 miles away.
Well... I got her number now... I think she is a dish best served drunk
Dude I bought a 300 dollar buffalo painting. I'm no longer allowed to take shrooms.
Cheyanne in woods. Ducks attacked. My toe is bleeding. We are gpsing our way home on foot. No worries
i’m blowing bubbles in my bloody mary so yeah it’s pretty much time to go
It's taking all of my will power not to chug this margarita. This must be the life of an adult...
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