I knocked on some strangers door, you didn't have to give me a fake hotel room number
I have a masturbator in my 5th grade class. the teacher told me ever since they caught him humping the desk in 2nd grade, they haven't been able to control him. he's even on medication but he will just do it in class
you know you're not getting laid when you start breaking awkward silences with quotes from Robot Chicken
People kept wishing me happy birthday last night. apparently i was 21st birthday drunk
we were dressed as cave people and he kept telling everybody i was so easy a caveman could do it.
Sketchest drug deal yet.... I just got paid in quarters and chucky chesse tokens. I need to stop hooking my friends up.
Do you think it would be a good idea to mention in my admissions essay that I was the guy that streaked across the soccer field last year?
they just started filling water ballons with vodka.
on my way.
She made me sing happy birthday to myself at the urinal.
You said that my dog would "complete your puzzle" then you got naked and took it behind the bar
but it was less of a make out and more of a goodnight kiss as a "thanks for giving our drunk asses a ride home and sorry we called your bar the worst bar in LA"
Hey Kellie. Me putting. My face intebetaeen ut your boobs made my night
he thought it would be funny to put his dick inside a beer bottle and wear it around. until we all realized how small his dick would have to be to fit in a beer bottle
At about 2:30 i found you passed out in my closet with your face covered in cheese whiz
Well the cops were called after the kid fell, but we saw 4 cute guys from our window while it was going down, so it wasn't all that bad.
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