I woke up in a house cuddled up with a beagle on a futon. have no idea who anyone is but they all call me stretch. yeaaahhh boiiiiii
We can grow old together and our livers can fail together
I haven't been this hungover since you found me laying in front of your door gagging with pepto bismal tablets scattered around me
I need the number of a restaurant that delivers, has lock-picking abilities, and is okay with full frontal male nudity. Entirely too hungover to get out of bed.
my post shower fart this morning sounded like hulk ripping through a phonebook
Look if you're not going to be mine and take care of my needs, I'm going to fuck your sisters.
"He was so not worth staining my backseat for."
No, supporting your unemployed boyfriend IS NOT what credit cards are for.
She's going to be the first to die of too much illness. Not even super bad stuff like cancer but like for having a cold at the same time as a sore throat and chlamydia or something. Just too much diseases.
well you don't shave your pubes into a handlebar mustache and keep the party to yourself
Had to sacrifice my vibrator batteries to the thermostat gods. I had a dirty dream and also almost a heat stroke.
i just realized I haven't been laid all summer. So sad. What a waste of a perfectly good vagina.
Why would you keep yourself in a sharting situation
My Mini-Van Handjob Milf is leaving the company. I need to find a new job. I can’t handle this place without those handjobs
I ripped ass in on and around her face during a hard 69. I don't think she'll ever call me again.
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