cruising supermarkets, asking random people where i can get weed. fuck alaska
having sex with you is like teaching a dog to tango, it DOESN'T work
I've decided that my new worst fear is that I'll end up on "I Didn't Know I was Pregnant"
We found your brother, passed out, floating in our pool, with a bottle, on a blow up mattress. How did he mange to walk 2 blocks and get into our backyard?
She is going down in cock block history. He went in to kiss me and she threw her hand between our faces and yelled "DENIED!"
Oddly enough when I decided to stop whoreing myself out... I lost most of my companionship.
Need a travel agent to tell me which countries in Asia have legalized prostitution for New Year. Fireworks would be cool too.
He came inside me, looked me in the eye and said, "Happy Mother's Day"
He's more than prepared to help us move. Dude brought sunscreen, cans of Coke, and Captain Morgan.
Man, I wish they all looked like that. Your vagina deserves to have a nice frame around it, and God's signature at the bottom.
Just a heads up... Don't get high and attempt to do your own taxes
We need to make boob twerking a thing. I feel like that's why vine was invented
How is it that on the one day I'm just moving my car at 6:30 I get the walk of shame looks but when I come home at 9 am in a torn dress holding heels old ladies smile at me?
hurry there's a jack Daniels slip n slide and clothes are coming off faster than I can even comprehend oh thank god for autocorrect
I gave him one of my famous hand jobs.
Randomize
