I got my nipple pierced! I love it so much!
Well, there goes breastfeeding.
Does this mean you'll turn into an Albanian at the next full moon?
I realized courtney is my jiminy cricket but instead of preventing me from telling lies she prevents me from fucking strangers
I can't make this stuff up. Your ex is singing I Will Survive on the karaoke.
I cannot be this high in this house. This house has so many of my secrets in its walls.
Nothing like moscato in your sinuses tobmake your night complete
We tried lying really still and being really quiet so that he wouldn't notice us before he left the room. Forgot about the glow in the dark condom.
this lady just pulled corn on the cob out of her purse
People like that make this world a better place.
i got kicked out of McDonald's for demanding a margarita mcflurry
You started pulling out condoms from your fanny pack and threw them at all the couples on the beach
He fed me Girl Scout cookies while I was still tied up...what did I do right?
The walk of shame was so much longer today. i have to start fucking guys in my own postcode.
I'M GOING TO DIE ALONE WITHOUT ANYONE PRETENDING TO BE A MARRIED COUPLE WHILE DRUNK AT A MALL WITH ME
The wedding is over. Operation sleep with my step-sister has officially begun
Woke up at 8am and asked if she had coffee.... She handed me a shot of tequila...
Randomize
