You feel like going out tonight?
Does a 14yr-old girl look good beat up? I'll bring the handle
The Worst (noun)- 1. Getting up at 6am after a night of drinking. 2. Wearing a Peter Rabbit costume.
What do you do when the person in the stall next to you says they're jealous?
Im so hungover that my 6 year old cousine made me aspirine and coffee out of playdoh...
I can't wait to see her breast feed this thing
The sign in front of ihop says "designated drivers get half off their order"
There are dudes in kilts outside my window practicing fire breathing with cheap vodka and a modified grill lighter. I thought you should know.
I miss the time when Mondays weren't the new Thursdays. I can't drink like my 17 year old self anymore.
Are you coming to class or was the dick pic this morning your way of saying not today?
fuck Derek. I choose weed. weed isn't angry and would never ask me to be someone I'm not.
You now have the mental image of me flying off into the sunset with no pants
As long as you keep bringing fries home, i'll keep being naked when you get home
It turned from Netflix and chill to cringeworthy YouTube videos and chill. At least he's honest.
the insurance claim form from last night says foreign object removal from genitourinary tract so as far as the insurance company knows, it could have been a gerbil
I'm going to tell you something and I want no judgement because it's america day and I'm wearing an American flag bathing suit but...I woke up in a yard.
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