I know i'm drunk when the "men" sign on the bathroom sounds chinese
I now officially know the distance between my two boobs is one twizzler.
You can't date a girl from every country.
I'm the captain planet of women
i saw her thong sticking out from across the bar...that was my cue
Sorry if I'm being weird. I'm dipping doritos in cabernet.
I woke up to you in just boxers at my door at 7a.m. with you saying how many squrriels you counted on the walk back, then you made me penis shaped pancakes
Since you haven't talked to me since the rancid whipped cream fiasco, I'm going to assume we are no longer hooking up. But I need my handcuffs back. ASAP.
He's yummy.
HE'S GAY. AND 40.
Irrelevant.
Nothing bonds a father and daughter like washing her puke off the front steps
Is it frowned upon to puke at Keeneland while you're betting on horses or is it just whatev
The guy behind me is talking about how his life goal is to use his knowledge of mathematics to make the world a better place. My only life goal right now is getting through this lecture without throwing up in my lap.
Dealing with people is so much easier after you've had an orgasm or 4.
where are my pants?
in the oven.
So being hungover in an office full of people with hangovers for 9 hours is quite possibly what hell will be like.
when ur drunk laser tag is all fun n games. try it high and all of the aliens in the galaxy want you dead.
Randomize
