I found the orange juice, it was hiding in the vodka...trickster.
It's pretty bad when the convenient store clerk can tell you that you're earlier than usual for visiting the store.
What I lack in compassion I make up for in lack of compassion
I just saw a Puerto Rican child between the ages of 8 and 11 with a faint mustache talking very loudly on the bluetooth in his ear about how "Skittles are played the fuck out"
I just want you to know the floor between our rooms isnt sound proof "Captain Cock"
This guy in church just had a prayer request to help him get through his hangover. He is my new hero.
now that we've slept with the entire soccer team i think its time to expand the horizon.
Some clips from last night: grinded like I haven't since college. Took shots with a bartender with a bad ass mustache. Made up a string of lies with fake names and occupations. Slept behind the couch with pizza in my hand
I've counted 3,503 loops of fabric on my carpet so far. FUCK YOU ACID!!!
Looked like a bag of smashed assholes and smelt like a brewery - still got morning sex. Marriage rules sometimes!
We were in his kitchen and she turned to me with a straight face and an avocado in her hand and said "Can we steal this?"
Can't decide if this guy is hot or if I'm just bored.
Sex is clearly the solution either way.
I am stoned at Disneyland with my little brother. It's gonna be a good day.
Taco Bell is giving high school kids free tacos STEAL YOUR BROTHER'S WALLET I'LL BRING THE WEED.
Matt is trying to convince me that we have a deal where if I show him my tits he won't do cocaine. Apparently we shook hands on it?
Randomize
