hey no worries the mystery has been solved- i jst sneezed and my undies popped outta my nose.
i miss you so much
i miss you too
oops, did i send that to you? i meant to send it to the money you owe me
oh good, I think they're gone
the painters?
my herpes
haha you were like: "I don't want to uh pressure you.." as you took your own shirt off
is it a bad sign that i now think of my run-ins with cops as "skill building seminars"?
um, yeah. i think it is.
I needed to borrow my dads nail clippers and next to it was an industrial size box of condoms if that wasnt bad enough I dropped the clippers behind the bed and discovered hundreds of used condoms
one more question, do you know why i woke up with 5 pounds of quarters, nickels and dimes in my pocket?
Okay, guy from work I want to fuck just told me he liked the font on my PowerPoint presentation. It is so on.
Make me proud, climb that corporate ladder.
If you go to the bathroom don't ask why there's diet coke on the toilet. Loller copter. Blow is fun.
It was over as soon as he asked if he could name my vagina pancake.
I asked the full emergency room who else was there because of homecoming and every single person raised their hand
That moment half way through a run when you realize you have to take a giant shit. I was racing against my bowels that last mile. Now my sweat is suctioning my ass to this toilet seat. Enjoy that NSA.
I'm a college student and my dad gets more ass than I do..... do you see a problem here?
Had the weirdest dream last night. If you're ever in Texas, do not come over with a 12 pack as a bribe and ask for a threeway between you, me, and my TA. I will take the beer though.
You know that if they offer you a bagel they are determined to sleep with you, right?
Randomize
