Having your wife answer your cell was so lame. Maybe we can talk when you get your phone, your facebook account, and your balls back.
what if cement was really a rainbow color they just secretly paint it grey so as not to distract drivers
are you high?
Then I opened the closet and then i found the babies
I woke up naked, with 10 visible bite marks and a black eye. I'm just going to assume that it was a good night.
It took us hanging out like four times to kiss. Id like to fuck you before I'm 30
Just want you to know I am def drunk enough to burn down your house. Don't worry I checked the stove like 6 times. I love grilled cheese
You realize at the bar last night we blew on imaginary whistles like rose from titanic right?
I take back all the times I've said life was unfair. I'm about to have two trained bartenders for a girlfriend and roommate
Did you like my voicemail? Sounded like I was being murdered, right?
By a pack of ravenous dildos
If my mom walks in on me masturbating one more time I'm moving out
You'd think the first few times would have been enough
Seriously, don't even. "Hi, have I seen you half naked covered in bright red body paint on the internet?" is NOT acceptable water-cooler chit-chat.
Aw.
I wish I'd realized he looked like Skrillex before I was already in the middle of fucking him...
I've gotten 2 singers numbers, a 6'5 dude has promised to take me to Oktoberfest, and I spent the night w a pilot named Zeus who looks like caramel tastes. Also I sprained my thumb punching some guy I named 'hater'. I love Nashville
He just compared our sex to a grand slam on Wii fitness
You're doing it right
Tonight is an "I'm lonely and single so I'm going to curl up in a warm, melatonin and vodka enriched ball in the corner of my bed with a cat." kind of night.
Randomize
