God I'm so bored. I wish I had a baby or something to play with.
And this is exactly why you should NEVER have kids.
If a cop asks you "Where do you go for fun?", it's not a pick up line...especially if he just pulled you over.
I'm playing the Jersey Shore drinking game by myself at my mom's house. Things like this are not okay after college.
i knew it was time to break up with him once he pulled out the Halo foreplay costumes
whoever set the energy saving light timer in the lobby bathroom cleraly has no concept how long a work dump takes
So not only did you shoot down my invitation and prob walked past my house but now ur excluding me from a wet t shirt contest which btw i totally would have won
The AC broke so he ended up sleeping in the front yard and left his one night stand on the couch.
Hickey on my chest, threw out my elbow and now walking out my shame.
Youre getting too old for this
I walked in and you were laying on the floor bleeding everywhere half asleep half crying and moe was at the kitchen table eating frozen pizza refusing to acknowledge you. What a sight.
Found a girl that was gonna make out with 25 people for her 25th birthday. I was like #12. Made top half!
I slept with someone only because he got my Simon Birch impression. It was a new low.
Just saw some lesbians get in a fistfight in an Arby's parking lot. It's good to be home.
I blew him while the canoe was sinking...I think of it as the better version of the titanic
But he's super into Jesus and I'm the devil. So we weren't meant to be
because nothing says “let’s fucking rage” like getting a compensation letter and some company stock
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