ugh, today is just one of those 'get high before your 8am class' days.
I never thought I'd hear the words "aww you pulled out" and "you're so sweet" in the same sentence.
Quick question... Why were there condoms frozen into ice cubes?
I am not old enough to be running into past fucks at the bank. This is at least a twenty five year old milestone.
Tell nick i'm sorry for throwing a block of cheese at him last night
I wish you would just come have sex with me in ihop. I don't want to be here
I am currently watching him baptize himself in a baby pool with a handle of belvedere while wearing a coral dress.
I want to have sex with him.
He was dressed as a cowboy and he was dancing with my ex roommate. So I took his gun and pistol whipped him with it..then somehow we still slept together..
Lying naked in bed eating carrot cake of off my bare breasts while watching Family Guy. Tonsilitis isn't all bad!
he gave me a flinstones gummy vitamin and was like, "ya know.. because of ebola."
Don't go to jail over some guy named Bunky
I just blacked back in and I'm at a kids birthday party in a suit and people are calling me uncle Carl. Never having your homemade liquor again.
I mean, it's a romantic picture of pubes if I've ever seen one
I have a vagina. So i automatically win.
Makes hanging out interesting when she lights you on fire just to roll ontop of you to 'put you out'.
Randomize
