I said ACK before Andy Samberg made it even remotely funny. That tool is stealing all my lines.
Yeah, you've definitely been jizzing in your pants years before he made it socially acceptable
shouldn't i get a discount if shes pregnant?
I mean i might have to drop this class tomorrow. I just walked into a midterm
Who has a video camera? i want to look back on this one day and say OH thats why i spent 2 years in jail
I was literally just a half conscious dildo.
Getting wasted on top of a casino. My penis is so much higher than everyone else's right now.
he forgot there was a midterm today. i watched him break his own finger to get out of it.
My nephew just told me I smell like apathy and regret. Thats the hangover I'm dealing with
Did you ask me to bring you a t-shirt to class or did I just dream that?
No, I did. It's a long story.
theres chocolate ground into my couch, nerds candy all over the floor and cocaine on every surface. great memorial day weekend and yours?
I don't understand how these people can do extreme gymnastics and I have problems walking up the stairs.
I've had balls on my face twice in last 48 hours and I STILL haven't got laid!
Friend as in 'I used to have sex with her' or friend as in 'I still want to have sex with her'?
if it makes you feel any better you looked really comfortable while you were sleepin in the closet, atleast according to the pictures i woke up with on my phone
That was the first time i’ve been physically intimidated by a LinkedIn profile.
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