Dude, just got a bummer.
What??
A blow job from a homeless chick.
so what if he's got a new girlfriend. the guy i'm fucking has an english accent. i win.
In a world where you don't want your phone to pocket dial your parents at 2 in the morning while you're running around Florida shitfaced, Droid does.
Dude, dont worry about the lamb fetus in the fridge.
What?
Just dont open the beer drawer.
bong water from a few floors above me just splashed onto my face when i was looking out the window. Happy 4/21 to me
Tomorrow night wont work for me. I'm talking with Bryan about marriage and I dont want to have a shroom hangover.
Oh no, we smoked the revival weed. It came in a Batman bag. It hit like justice. And orphans.
I only had sex with him so I could try to steal his roommate's cat, what kind of girl do you think I am?
Pretty sure I sang "What Makes You Beautiful" to some random guy in a parking lot last night...
Please collect your boy friend. He semi-passed out on the couch and trying to grab bums as people walk by. Anyone's bum, he's not choosy.
Can you get the drug form of snow for the blizzard this weekend?
We are literally scheduling phone sex... if that's not long distance af then i don't know what is
Maybe the "i killed someone" and "tequila makes my clothes come off" comments freaked him out.
I’m going to Lewinsky this place
That makes no sense, but it sounds terrifying
It's so obvious he's evil. I mean, would a non-evil person have facial hair like that?
Randomize
