I'm afraid we're only dating because we're too lazy to look for anyone else.
i found your underwear in my bra... i dont even remember how this happened.
shit. all i remember is the look on your moms face.
Please tell me you are a size medium in men's clown onesies and that you forgot them here last night.....
I tipped the hot bartender my entire wallet. Again.
are you aware you chucked your pizza at a girl's face after the bar last night?
Hung over. Bed full of legos for some reason. Not getting up. Come build stuff with me.
i'm just sitting here going through her tagged pics, covering up different parts of her face to try and figure out exactly what it is that makes her so ugly.
then he tried to tell me how many times he had seen Scott's dick. his estimate was about 180 times. he thought I didn't understand.
Also, my drunkenly packed sleepover kit consisted of a singular sock, my uncharged laptop, and a pack of post-it notes.
I have a friend that keeps saying he wants to go bear hunting. Thought I would say just walk down church street at night. What intersection is it?
After the 3rd shot, she was running around singing, "Twinkle Twinkle Big Ol' Dick, on your happy place I'll sit" to your brother.
Put that bitch's torch out. She's been voted off.
I only got lap dances from the ugliest strippers, i couldnt stop myself from laughing the entire time.
I am now being bribed with one orgasm per every meal I eat. This is the best anorexia therapy ever
hoooly shit dude in taco costume challenged alpha douche to a fight. he's got catch phrases. come. now.
They don't have a Valentines Day card for the married guy I'm sleeping with. It can't use the words, love, soulmate, you're the only one for me...and obviously it can't be anything related to spending the day together because that's not happening.
Randomize
