no.. I went home. Puking up hot dogs and lemon tart isn't as lovely as it sounds.
once I found out that a naked stripper wasn't gonna pop out of the cake I kind of just lost interest in the party
And the best part is I don't remember putting the condom in my pocket! Angels officially exist
Please delete that video of me blowing you. I will repay you with 100 blowjobs even better than the one I gave you during that video. Please. I am gonna be a grandma one day.
Dear female. Happy valentines day. If you have not had the pleasure of making love to me, please do not fret, I will get around to it soon enough. If you indeed have made love to me, then bravo, wasn't that grand! Perhaps we should do it again? Regardless, have a good day. This has been a public service announcement. Rock on.
And then he posed under the bed and said, "you should draw me like one of your french girls." Why do they keep giving this kid drugs?
He ran around the party with a broken foot/ankle with a gallon of Malibu yelling "it must rain coconut"
I don't know what weirder, the fact that I flat out said "I thought I deleted you from facebook" or that she responded with "I just hacked your account and readded myself". Never thought I'd say this but I wish drunk me would stop making friends!
either I'm really high or that last bong rip tasted like christmas
When you're really drunk, Japanese toilets just have an unnecessary amount of buttons.
We poured all the Fireball on the Slip and Slide and long story short I have two black eyes.
I don't think I've ever been sadder than the way I feel when I finish my meal while I'm high
He shampooed and conditioned his pubes but can't manscape for shit.
He waved at a guy who drove by while we were having sex in the back of a rental car in a hospital parking garage prior to visiting family. Almost made me feel guilty but I liked it too much.
My apartment stinks of burning failure
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