My mom just drunkenly told me i was conceived in the back of a car, at a Bon Jovi concert.
i just woke up naked on my porch, holding the neighbors cat in my arms.
I think your going to be the cause of an awesome death
I just woke up naked clutching a Taco Bell bag.
I was to tired to jerk him off, so he made me hold it while he thrusted into my hand.
My dick hurts from so many people grabbing it last night. We're not going back to that club
He set two of my ex boyfriends on fire at two different bars without anyone knowing it was him or how it happened either time. He might be a fucking super hero
I mean, they were small fires and no one got hurt, but still. Awesome.
Why the hell did you invite him? He's gonna bring two more inches of dick and zero fun.
my friend thinks you're hot & wants to fuck you ps i'm my friend
Well, my eyeball is red and the rest of my eye is black. Oh the joys of drinking with u. PS- I laid in a pile of sawdust. it was ok at the time.
Did you just send me an ass picture with a quote from the lion king?
What are you gonna do about it?
going on a mission to find my pants and the guy who stole my beer don't wait up
I've spent hours masturbating before. It's actually my favorite Sunday activity
who knew being a fake dominatrix could be so fun?
Wakes up in a cold sweat at 3am, 136 unread messages and the preview on the notification is "I JUST GOT TO THE INCEST PART"
Randomize
