Tell LD happy birthday and party like it's $19.99
Recession joke.
Im at a strip club, and the dancer just farted into my face. The bad part about that is I could taste the wings I bought her earlier
I was giving him head and when I deep throated him he screamed out "Ohh, top ten!"
A. What the fuck are period panties? B. Don't ever wear them around me... or bears.
Somehow I magically turned down a threesome last night. On my birthday. You're a horrible wingman.
I'm alone drinking at the bar and the titanic theme song is on. This won't end well.
He woke me up for a 10am bootycall. he was already drunk when he got here and when we were fucking, bagpipes started playing amazing grace outside of my window!! I love Boston on st. Patties day!!
I have this rep as a wingman for a reason. I'm like a poon caddy. "You might want to use a 9 iron on this hole. "
So are we just not going to talk about the time I came home to you jerking it in the kitchen?
I love this text stream: discussing the development of a business model centered around cooking acid to bankroll a yacht trip in Croatia
he went to the bathroom at 5am only to come back and squeeze my boob before going back to sleep
This is why we can never be together. Well that and we r married to other ppl but that's very minor detail compared to the coffee issue
Annoying and petty is the name of the game and I'm the MVP.
I just woke up to my family in the living room watching our security camera tape of me last night talking to a stop sign in our backyard... How the fuck did I get that in the yard?
Weird. And pubic lice are now endangered so your hairy balls can rest easy
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