New low: just hacked my moms facebook
theres no point in washing my sheets anymore. its always going to be a fine layer of booze and semen.
Ha Ha the cop that just pulled me over would like me to tell you hi!
She refered to her bed as the "cockpit"....I understand that this morning.
We didn't even make it to the door before they came out saying we weren't allowed in because of last time..
He made a fake guest pass that was just a note card with "I'm here. Me." written in sharpie, and tried to convince the security guard it was real.
its like..once you have one emotional drunk night, you can't stop. i feel like i have to end every drunken night in tears and i dont think my roommates think it's heartwarming anymore
sooo I am sorta kinda using your name as my stripper stage name.
You BETTER NOT STEAL MY MOTHERFUCKING SQUIRREL
Just watched a guy get through airport security with a full bottle of captain morgan. In my head the entire airport cheered.
Woke up with two different flip flops on sum burnt at the beach. Who are these French kids plz come back
Stormed out of the house in frustration and now I'm in public and have to take a rage dump. Today sucks.
I also farted in bed this morning and said, "I don't even care. My body deserves that."
Can we go out and get blitzed in celebration that they'll be no more surprise kids
Dude get over here. Steven brought super soakers filled with colored vodka.
Randomize
