glow-in-the-dark stars on his ceiling from '98 totally make blowing him more romantic.
we had incredible sex, then he proposed with the vibrating cock ring
its barely noon and he already threw up and i have second degree burn
well what she called a "work function" most people call "doing shots with your boss while people throw napkins at you."
you really dont want me to drink and drive. you saw what i did to my face and that was only from walking
If I had KNOWN you and mom were coming to visit, I wouldn't have passed out in the frat. This is why I hate surprises.
I basically get to watch her life fall apart via tumblr updates
He legit pounded my cooking wine, because he was to cheap to buy beer. He is so not getting any.
The things i do for you...I put all those condoms on a bed, complete with girl, and you sleep in the bathroom
I'm making a quesadilla and including it in the picture because that's the only way I think I can send her dick pics.
Check your mailbox. I left a "sorry I didn't have time to suck your dick today" consolation gift.
I had no idea he had such passive aggressive animalistic tendencies. This is the human equivalent of peeing on someone.
So I just got motorboated by my grandma…
That means I have to put pants on. That is not something I am willing to do right now.
Walk of shame through Chipotle? Check.
Randomize
