on a scale of one to ten, how awkward would it i told him i had to go change my tampon and then left?
11
made out with the bouncer to distract him from how illegitimate my fake id is.
his prince albert piercing just severely cut the roof of my mouth. can you pick me up at the hospital if he drops me off?
I give out O-faces like they're halloween candy
Everytime I think about NYE, my gag reflex kicks in.
What was your penis's nickname in high school? Also, what was it's theme song?
I think my greatest accomplishment today was probably using a bottle opener to get the cap off my fourth drink while holding the cat WITHOUT dropping him.
Oh god, what has my life become?
I reek of latex and grilled onions.
Mission accomplished.
Did you really get 12 corn dogs from the gas station last night?
Like real life can suck my metaphorical dick right now.
So vagazzling was a success
I can't wait to shower all this regret off of me
You added his wife on Facebook?! You're horrible at this mistress thing
I just compared my relationship to that double ended dong scene from Requiem. This day just took a turn.
Sex was followed by homemade breadsticks. I waited till after the breadsticks were gone to tell her i had a gf.
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