Your mouth is God's brothel.
dude sorry but u no that when a guys 'likes' ur pic on facebook it only means he was just jacking off to it.
he thought he was parachuting out of a plane... talk about a bad trip.
Brought out my three foot martini glass last night, that explains why I haven't left my bed all day long.
is that a crab cake on the shelf with the dvd's....?
She said we should all be mermaids since didn't breathe for 9 months inside our mothers. I want her logic.
I experienced pure joy just moments ago when I looked down and saw that I had another pop tart to consume down my mouth hole.
You can wear my underwear. It'll be like old times.
you taught an eight year old how to shotgun a half pint of chocolate milk, that's all i'm saying
We knew we were dealing with a pro when some random guy at the bar thew you over his shoulder and you still didn't spill your drink
Strangely enough, that's not the first time that's happened
Don't send me heart emojis when you're jacking off.
i showed up really high and was trying to not be,so in order to not seem high, i got plastered
Please wake up and help me figure out how I woke up on the floor with my head under the couch
I’ve cut back on drinking and now my body can’t fight off all the bad germs without the alcohol. That’s why I keep getting sick
First walk of shame in 18 years. Divorce is going well.
Randomize
